Simple things upset me. Trivial things like the standard breaking a nail or lately it’s been my inability to dry my laundry outside so my living room becomes Widow Twanky’s launderette for two days of the week. The weather has been ridiculous for July this year, every day it rains even for just a few minutes. I like to dry my clothes out in the fresh air and it’s like someone telling me ‘no, you must sit with your damp clothes like the rest of us’. In the grand scheme of things I know that it’s not important but the fact that I can’t do it makes it more important.
I was in the supermarket the other day and this little boy let out this god awful screech then suddenly started crying loudly and pathetically on the floor at the self check outs. Every one watched as his mother scolded him for moving something from the scale that he wasn’t supposed to touch and this sent him into a full on toddler tantrum. He looked about five so my first thought was something along the lines of disgust and ‘serves you right, you should know better’ then afterwards I felt sorry for him. Nobody likes being told they can’t do something, and if I weren’t twenty seven I’d probably throw several wobblers a day myself.
Whenever I hear the words ‘you can’t do that’ it makes me feel like ‘well, why can’t I?’ or ‘if they can do it why can’t I?’ like as if the little boy had an older brother who was allowed to use the machine but he was told he couldn’t, yeah okay, he should totally throw a tantrum because it’s not fair. How do they know that he wouldn’t be good at it?
It is frustrating being a child (and an adult too), I remember my scoldings and not knowing what I’d done or not understanding why I wasn’t allowed to do something I really wanted to do. I was never allowed to walk away, or touch anything or sometimes even speak ‘children are meant to be seen and not heard’ was a rule I was supposed to adhere to. I’ve carried it through life with me, it stops me from doing anything worthwhile, like leaving home, moving to the city, trusting strangers (talking about finding boyfriends/girlfriends not so much creepy people lingering on street corners). I’m scared to use laptops in case I break them, I’m scared to stand on the edge of a cliff and look down at the world even though there’s no arm to hold me back anymore, it feels like there is… but what if the answers to my questions are just over that edge? Divine inspiration looking into the ocean or something on the land that ignites a spark of thought at that particular moment just when I become afraid to walk to it and look over.
I think sometimes I’m the epitome of fear, there are amazing things I want to do in my mind but reality tells me these things are not feasible in this universe. At least not for me, I can watch others enact my dreams but there’s always a hand holding my head on my pillow and someone telling me that my dreams aren’t real.