Seeking Solace 

My ears ring when I do too much in a day, and talk and laugh too much. I went with my Mom and sister to see Bridget Jones’ Baby this afternoon and even with two other people you love to pieces three can be a crowd and bring on your crippling anxiety. We talked all day and laughed hard at the film and although I found it fun I also found myself flustered and agitated at every little thing and I don’t like myself that way. Later in the evening I had to go to a birthday meal and I was so exhausted I mostly sat quietly in the corner twiddling my thumbs.

 I enjoy being alone and walking by myself, walking away from noise, avoiding confrontation and drifting along unnoticed. Years ago I needed the sound, now I need the silence of my own company, it soothes me. I’m not going to upset myself by saying the wrong thing or take too long in Debenhams so I miss lunch, I can come and go as I please and say and do what I choose.

I enjoy my own company so much that I search for solitary job roles, unsuccessfully of course, because there’s always some sort of ‘team work’ described in job specifications that throws that little day dream out the window.

The dream: no customers, no bitchy colleagues to answer to but still some to call for assistance, with an email from a superior outlining what needs to be done, it gets done, go home with feet not swollen and aching and receive reasonable pay for it. Err yes please! 

I am so done with the public. I want to be alone!

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