Word Vomit

4:30am

Can not sleep. My mind is running over all of the embarrassing things I’ve ever said to or in front of people whom I find myself ridiculously awkward around, regardless of whether my mouth is occupied with vomiting  words. I’m the most inarticulate dumb blonde around certain people who are slightly harder to talk to. 

It often seems like they’re enjoying some private joke when they speak a few words to me, and I don’t understand why it’s funny so I probably say something to solidify their bad opinion of me, but I’m still trying to figure out their hidden meaning without thinking about what words I’m stringing into a sentence, that is until the deathly long pause when I’m finished followed by the ‘oh god I actually said that’ thoughts.

Back in school, one morning they gave us all a tube of toothpaste and a toothpick in an assembly and told us to squeeze some out onto a saucer. It was odd until they said “now try and get that back into the tube” then it became madness! However after failing attempts of getting the paste back in they said “imagine this toothpaste is words, once said they can’t be unsaid, like the toothpaste cannot be put be put back into a tube”. It was an exercise about bullying but the principle is still the same for me when I say stupid things, I envisage the toothpaste tube and during job interviews, after they have asked me a trick question, I can’t think quick enough to answer so this blab comes out and it’s already too late, the job is lost.

It’s the most frustrating thing when in a situation where every word you say is crucial. I will always be doomed to fail when having to talk.

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