The End of My Tether

I never intended for this to become a ‘bitching page’ but sometimes you need to say things, written or verbal, to get them off your chest so that you can get up out of bed easier day to day and breathe more calmly.

I watch YouTube videos and I have a few favourites, from the perspective of someone like me in my current rut status they appear to have the dream job. Broadcasting their lives from a London base, for entertainment (and money), no interviews to mess up, just being themselves with a camera and several hundred subscribers. They record videos from time to time with advice aimed at younger people but I watch anyway, and they all say you have to work hard to get what you want.

This is the part I’m getting to, I have worked hard all of my life to be nothing more than average. I did all my homework in school, in college my life became my coursework and nothing else, the same for university, no social life, no binge drinking with my new friends, just work. When I got a job I ran around out of breath trying to excel in my role, trying to be the best. My feet died, my legs were gone, yet again I had no fun all I did was work, and yet I remained average. 

Years later and who knows how many hours of running around to please everybody, I’m very tired, too tired to run anymore, too tired to please anybody anymore even myself.

So when people are in front of me giving me advice like ‘you have to work hard’ I feel I need to say that it is not that simple. 

Getting to exactly where you want to be requires the right location, if you want to be a florist then the Sahara is not a good place to set up shop or if your dream was to become an interior designer, probably best not to live in an igloo. My location is the pits of England and I won’t go elsewhere and leave my family behind for a job.

It’s all about who you know, if your parents have circles of friends in high places the odds are you will be noticed by one of them, if you don’t know anyone like this (like me) then I’m afraid you may not succeed in anything. Also if your parents are middle class this seems to get you somewhere in life too but if you’re not I’m sorry but all the good jobs are taken by middle class offspring.

I’ve found that looks and age seem to be everything even though everybody says they’re not, I’m not blessed with beauty or youth and will be eternally overlooked because of this. If I were pretty, skinny and eighteen and looking for a job you can bet I would probably have had a few offers, plus ten years onto that, add a paper bag over my head and you get no interest at all.

My downfall used to be that I had no experience but now I think it was just an excuse to fob me off for not being a young pretty focal point in the office. I have all the work experience possible for my age but I’m still tossed aside.


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