I plummeted down to earth like a ton of bricks fallen out of a cargo plane headed straight for harsh, solid ground. Flitting through the day high on medication and cream cake, the moment I realised I was doing fine -BAM – “no you’re not” who said that?
I don’t hear voices but I imagine what they would say if I did hear voices in my head as I lie here, splatted flat Play-Do moulded to the ground, no bones or muscle to lift my head to see where I landed this time. They would say “loser, psychopath, monster” and I would so quickly agree as I’m always wrong and they must be right.
I’ve been trying self talk to force my body to calm down and silence my brain. It doesn’t work. I’ve been lying awake for eight hours, the more time passes the madder the mind becomes, and I was rearranging furniture in my head to accommodate my new computer. Then imagining firing an employee who is currently causing me extra work, and onto hunger pangs and wanting to roast a dinner in the middle of the night.
I had a brief glimmer of hope today that I may be able to consider starting my own business but the sun set quite quickly on that idea and let the cold dark night draw in around me. I could easily quit and make my own website, advertise on social media, I’ve got it all planned out! I wouldn’t make much money though and on days where I can barely get out of bed it would be difficult to work without someone cracking the whip.