I think I have more or less decided that I’d like a job that takes me away sometimes. When I’m taken out of my comfort zone by my own choosing I tend to flourish but only alone do I do this. People who surround me tend to want to protect me from everything, oh you get anxious when ordering food, I’ll order for you, or driving long distance upsets you so we’ll go on the train. I’m so protected I don’t feel like I ever do anything for myself and if I were to suddenly be alone I feel I wouldn’t know how to do basic things.
I have always believed that there was something defective in my brain from a young age so my mother has always saved me from any task I find challenging and now my boyfriend does the same and I feel like there are a lot of things that I really don’t want to do but if I never have to do them how will I know that it wasn’t so bad after all, or at least know what to expect for the next time.
I am scared a lot, anything that involves new places, I don’t like going to different petrol stations to fill my car, my hands shake on the pump, but I have to do it. Nobody is there to do it for me and I’d have to walk home if it ran out so I make myself, then when I’m standing in the queue I feel my breathing calm because it’s all over.
I often day dream of having a break from people and driving out to the middle of nowhere, staying at a bed and breakfast for a few nights then driving home, I think that kind of lifestyle would suit me. I love my family but because of the way I am, I’m desperate to be alone so much that I fight and lash out and that is past the point where I should have walked out to be by myself.
I need to find a new job first, I need to be free from this place because it has always contributed to my depression, not the cause but definitely not the cure. My problems require my environment to change at least once a year, I itch to get out but I’ve been here three years now and I’m told to endure it incase it gets better. The job may, but I won’t. I may not know a lot but I know my mind and it’s going to break with the pressure soon.