I spent the night trying to install a blind in one of my spare rooms, a room I plan to move into at a later date to escape the sound of the road outside. It was going well, but DIY isn’t my speciality, and to cut short the details, the screws were cheap and rubbish. Yes. I blame the screws.
I spent all night trying to get them back out once I’d made an error, I lost my temper and tried to rip it out of the wall. It would not budge! I became tired. Started crying from my pathetic useless-ness, asked for help and when I didn’t get any assistance, lost my temper again.
I’m now lying in the dark under a blanket trying to calm down.
It’s a mixture of things this evening I’m sure of it,
- I’m helping my mother move house this week and it’s tiring me out
- Work sucks right now, again tiring me out
- I’m having, what I can only describe as a powerful bout of depression/anxiety/stress, which is making all simple tasks almost impossible
- It’s also making me feel very invalid as a human
- I’m not sleeping well
I could have ripped the skin from my face when I looked in the mirror after giving up on my task. I saw my imperfections, redness, peeling skin, and wished for a new face, a new body and a new brain. Why can’t I do it? Stupid. Stupid. Worthless. Stupid.
I already have an inferiority complex without moments like these, failure would be so understandable if it weren’t so simple a job to do, they even make the slits wide enough to allow for measurement errors, I shouldn’t have failed but I did and now there’s a bent up bracket, a blind-less window and my sleepless night pending.
What was the point??