Tucked up in bed, with a cold sweat and a ringing in my ear. I’m attempting to recover from the night I spent coughing every time I moved, and the night before when I found the most uncomfortable position to lie in, but it was one that prevented my lungs from getting tickly and irritated, which I paid the price for with a ridiculous pain in my neck when I woke up.
I hate being ill. Other than the obvious rubbish feeling you get, I hate being chained to the bed and forced to keep myself company. My thoughts always wander when I’m alone but I know that when I’m ill they can only go one way – negative. So far I’m doing okay but by lunch time…
It started last night really. I was searching for a job and found one that I could do, that I knew I could do quite easily. I read the list of requirements in the job description and ticked every one. I hovered over the ‘apply’ button then shut down the browser. Why would they employ me? They don’t employ people just because they can do the job! If that were the case then nobody would be unemployed! Stupid! They employ young pretty girls who all look the same, dress the same! You’re not one of them…
I started texting my Mom, I just wanted to hear something positive, but I didn’t believe her when she told me so it did no good. My aspirations above my ability were swallowing me whole and I foresaw my future in a cardboard box in a damp alley. I can’t work there anymore, I just can’t!
Tears streaming down my face I reached out to my partner who is a self confessed ‘crap person to talk to about these things’, but he did okay last night, telling me how important I was to him, job or no job. When I told him I felt useless, he told me how useful I am. When I said that I was worthless with my menial job, he listed my values to him.
As cheesy as that is, when you’re crying your eyes out at all your missed opportunities in your life, it’s things like that you really want to hear.
So I’m expecting a reoccurrence of that emotional outburst today. Do I dare search for a job again while slurping my soup?