I Give Up

It’s an emotional night for me. I’m sitting in front of the TV, melted into the sofa and full of a steak pie and a block of chocolate. Warm, tired and tearful thinking of life, past, present and future. The future really upsets me.

We had ‘the baby talk’ yesterday, I could’ve crawled inside myself and died. I thought it was the woman who begged to have children, but we’ve always been an odd couple from the start. I need my life sorted before it’s finished, because that’s what children are for me, the end of my life as I know it and the beginning of someone else’s so if I don’t have my affairs in order they won’t know how and where I’d like to be buried… 

I wrote a letter to him because we don’t have many discussions these days that don’t end in either party getting upset and storming out – usually me (not a good foundation for having children I might add) – that stated the question he asked and my responses;

What do we need to do before we can have a baby?

  • The house needs to be finished for a start, a building site is no place for a child, imagine a baby crawling around on broken floorboards with nails sticking out. Not happening.
  • I’d like the garden finished so I can sit in it when I’m pissed off. This is important to me to have somewhere pleasant to be if I’m going to be stuck at home for a year.
  • I’d rather have a better job that I’m happy with, and happy to return to after maternity leave because right now that’s not the case.
  • Also I’d like to save quite a bit of money which also requires me changing jobs because I don’t get paid much.
  • I would have preferred to have gotten all travelling desires to non-child friendly destinations out of the way because odds are I’ll never get to go on holiday ever again.

Demands 

  • I want a day off when I can’t cope.
  • Understanding when I’m moody.
  • Eternal respect for pushing out your child.
  • And to decorate the nursery however I feel like!

There were a few more points made but none I can remember right now. I’m just not naturally maternal, I think I was when I was younger, it would’ve been easy to convince me to have a baby when I was 21/22 but now I just feel so old! My body is worn out from my terrible job and I don’t have the energy let alone the ability to cope with loud noises and disobedient children. I’m not going to lie but I see the other children that my child could potentially be in school with, who will teach them to swear and talk back and I can’t stand those children. There will always be children I cannot stand.

The country created a whole generation of spoilt horrible offspring and bad behaviour in schools spreads like a disease. 

It’s not just what my child could become, I do also have nightmares of childbirth, still birth, dying in labour, the baby being ill, impaired somehow, seriously ill – I wouldn’t be able to take it if they had a serious illness. I feel like I would disappear as a human and become the Mom Vessel, it would consume me completely, I would love the child more than anything else in the world, and then if something serious were to happen, that would be the end of me. That part scares me the most.

So I’m sitting here, stewing over that and where the f*** I’m going to fit a cot in my tiny house and whether I shouldn’t have children at all because of my mental illness. My mind says I shouldn’t but there’s something else telling me that it will be the beginning of my life. I’m finding that part hard to believe when comparing stories of new Moms, a lot say the same, some like their different ‘Mom life’ and some hate it. I have a strong feeling I would be the worst Mother and hate it all.

I wanted to work on the garden during the spring this year and got shot down again after a discussion/argument earlier this evening. Nothing I want matters to him but he wants to use my body to incubate his spawn and that’s supposed to be okay? I don’t think so.

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