Whatever Will Be

When I get interviews, I carefully select places where I would really like to work in a field that I’m interested in and take it as a compliment that they even want to see me. I put my all into the interview, my appearance and research, except they never quiz me on it. 

When I put all of my energy into trying to get the job and get rejected, it takes months, even years to recover from the confidence knock back. I still think of them now when I’m imagining getting a better job and finally feeling worth something then I recall the feedback from these interviews and wonder if anyone would ever employ a person who so many have seen to be so very average and uninteresting. I carry this with me constantly and sometimes imagine walking into my past interviewers and pretend that they would remember me and tell me that I should apply again for this new post that has been created, but because I’m so wounded I would refuse, I’d tell them exactly how I felt, and that I needed to catch a train, or in other more colourful words “f*** off”. I feel like it would satisfy me to reject them right back, and that would be the only closure I could get from these experiences.

I wish it would happen but I would be stupid to think that they would recognise me now, slightly more weathered, tired and carrying my life experiences in my tired droopy eyes and much more plump. Nobody would know me. If only they had given me the job, what would my life be like now?

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