It’s been a while.
I got into the habit of posting my woes every other day, it helped me feel better.
For the last sixteen days things have been alright. I’ve either been having a severe manic episode or my wonderfully fun hormones have been heavily influencing my actions, I can’t decide which. I’ve been madly into housework and DIY especially in the garden, re-potting plants and what not, digging grass and uprooting thousands of weeds of various species. I’ve been an unstoppable machine, pulling muscles, cutting fingers, bruising legs but still going back for more until the job was complete. I finished swamping a wild patch of ground with bark mulch, I could not salvage it so I covered it over. I was pleased with myself for lifting heavy bags by myself and sitting on the cold, damp muddy ground every day after work for a week.
Then today happened.
I’m back! Says my misery. I’ve deleted Facebook, two accounts, I hate everything about my life again. Having cried myself to sleep at the utter emptiness of my existence, I contemplated life without children, life stuck in the same job, how stupid I felt at not having it all sorted out by now. I’m offended by everything once more, watching Disney with chocolate in my designated safe place in my house, my office/where I keep my make-up. I’m offended by those with seemingly perfect lives and their public displays of happiness and wealth.
All I do is look to those who have achieved so much so young and feel like I couldn’t even thrive in their shadow, only grow old chasing it across the ground.
Simple things please simple people, I wish I could be like them, sitting in pubs on Sundays, going home and watching TV. Being content with a life like that, the life I have now, working for my treats, but actually enjoying them, instead of watching those small pleasures disintegrate and turn to ash in my hands when I hold them too long. Holding onto a synthetic happiness that I’m told I need but actually don’t want.
I desire much more from this life, more than it can give me and that is not OK.